He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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