Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
