Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize