True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
