i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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