worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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