Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
