I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am one with the molecules
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
