youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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