Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
