I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
