i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
pray to the hookup gods
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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