it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
