i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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