So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
