I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
