At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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