Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
