Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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