He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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