Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
