he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
