Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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