Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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