STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
