who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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