so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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