then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
