Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
