It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had sex on a dog bed..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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