here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
