I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
