if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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