At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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