I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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