How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
