btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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