my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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