We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
