He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize