While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
