If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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