haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
