I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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