Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
