I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
