If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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