what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
