How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am midnight drunk by noon
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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