Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
