in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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