Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
