Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize