i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
