so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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